A lot of couples will say that they know each other well. And, that may be true. But, there are some questions that people have a hard time asking because it opens their relationship up to feelings of vulnerability. Which is scary. But it’s good! You should be open to exposing your vulnerabilities to your partner because it can help you grow closer. Think of it as exercising. Sometimes there is a hint of pain but you feel better afterward. In this case, it’s an emotional workout.

Here are a few questions to ask your partner to start a healthy conversation. Keep it calm and allow the other person to explain their side. Ask more questions than giving more answers or telling them what they said.

• What’s the hardest thing you've been through?

  A lot of couples surprisingly do not discuss difficult times in their lives. Maybe in the beginning you lightly touch on the subject, but after that, most do not discuss dark times. This can be bad. You want to know about each other so you know warning signs, triggers, and ways to help if something occurs. Take this example. If someone has had their dog die when they were young. And as an adult, they’re adamant against getting a new dog. You don’t know why because you never discussed hard times. Now, you talk about it. You can talk about fears of getting a new dog. Work through it. Provide support. Boom. You have a new dog. Now, this is a simple example but you get the point.

• Do you feel you can come to me when you’re stressed?

  One thing that I often ask couples when they first arrive at therapy is “Do you see the other person as a source of stress?” Most of the time, it’s “yes”. When does that shift happen? At the beginning of most (healthy) relationships, you go to each other as a source of stress relief. Over time, the dynamics between the couple change, and they become a source of stress. Knowing this (and being honest about it) can help break free of unhealthy cycles and repair a fractured relationship.

• Are you happy?

  Not necessarily just in terms of the relationship, but in life. It can be nice to get a feel for how your partner is doing. Depression, anxiety, trauma, and more can be masked in a variety of ways. Vices, compartmentalizing, oversleeping, etc. Just learning where your partner is at and what you both can do to help the relationship is important.

• Why do you love me?

  A fun game I ask couples on their first session is “what did you think of each other when you met?” and “who said I love you first”. It’s a good way to get both partners to recognize why they fell in love in the first place. Now, love changes. It morphs into something different than what it was during the first date. But, it’s not gone! Knowing what you do that your partner loves can be a self-esteem boost and a positive reinforcer.

• What do you not like about me?

  On the opposite end, what can I do better? What bothers you? Why am I an ass? Something along those lines. But it can be valuable for partners to discuss this. Simply to help learn which behaviors we should reduce. As the metaphor goes, death by 1000 papercuts. That can be true for relationships too.

Overall, there are a ton of questions to ask partners to increase your feelings of being vulnerable with each other. These are a simple 5. If you do not feel like you can ask your partner these questions… Ask yourself why? Are you afraid of the answer? Will they not answer? Do you not like being vulnerable?

We would love to hear your thoughts and comments below! Leave a question that you think may be valuable to ask your partner.